I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i was born a porn star she said
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
