it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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