youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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