Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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