I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
