: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Randomize
