I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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