You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
