In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Damn victory sex feels great
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
