This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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