Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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