So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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