This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
His nipple licking is glorious
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