And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize