Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
