I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
