I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
