turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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