A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
