You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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