theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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