you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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