pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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