Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Houston, we have a blender
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
