Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
