ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Randomize