I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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