rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
