when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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