im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
