There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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