Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
