I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
