i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
