Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
