I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
