Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
