I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize