My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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