dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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