i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
