I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
