Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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