god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
