I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
