Moan for me like Helen Keller
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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