i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize