Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
