White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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