Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
