I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
