Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
