Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
