Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
