guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I FOUND THE LEGS
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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