I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
