it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize