When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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